All Is Not As It Appears

Cousins - a pair of my nieces and nephews.

Cousins – a pair of my nieces and nephews.

Most days I don’t look as sick as I feel. It’s not a tummy hurting sick or a feverish sick. It’s the who-stole-all-my-energy-turned-me-into-a-slug-and-turned-on-the-fog-machine-sick.

Some days I do have the energy and I’m so torn with what to do because I have a backlog of projects that need to be done and I spend more time trying to figure out how to prioritize them. Then, I lose motivation as I start. I’m just not into it. Even reading takes an effort and I can’t sustain it for long.

I’m not great at pretending everything is okay. At least not lately. I’m calling a spade, a spade. It’s not a diamond or a heart now matter how much I might want it to be.

This sucks.

There. I said it.

I met with a rheumatologist on Monday to discuss my Sjögren’s symptoms and how to move forward. She was wonderful in assuring me that only about 10% of patients ever progress to the point that it affects their internal organs and that even less develop lymphatic cancer. Definitely worries I had.

Then she slammed me with, “We need to talk before you try to have kids.”

I have the anti-Ro (SSA) and anti-La (SSB) antibodies. This means if I get pregnant, the chances of passing the antibodies through the placenta increase and can cause complications in the fetus. Including congenital heart block.

If I wasn’t freaked out reading about it before, I’m now a complete internal mess. My chances of having a miscarriage already high due to my autoimmune disorders and now I know I have the magical combo that could wreak havoc with any developing fetus I may carry.

In my head I know it will be okay, that things will work out. But it doesn’t stop the feelings.

“Why don’t you have kids?” is the dreaded question I hear often. I hate that question with a passion. Sometimes I want to scream, “It’s none of your fucking business!” But I don’t no matter how true it is. I was raised better.

Just because we don’t have them or haven’t tried doesn’t mean I don’t feel that damn biological clock ticking. I began to loathe seeing my former gynecologist every year. It always turned into a reminder that I was yet another year older and childless. “You’re not getting any younger,” he would always tell me. Not because he was rude, but because he was concerned. I was a nervous wreck for weeks before my appointment and I would make sure to take the rest of the day off work after my appointment.

There were many factors involved in our decision to not have kids soon after we married. My health was a major factor. I was on medications I couldn’t be on while pregnant. My purse was like a walking pharmacy at times. I feel like I was undergoing some kind of testing every year.

I hoped when I left my job in December that we could start trying once my body recovered from adrenal fatigue. If you’ve kept up with what is going on in my life, you know that is not the case.

I know there are other options if we really want kids. I know this.

But, this is how I feel right now.

Something just out of my reach was snatched away never to be seen again.




  1. I am so sorry. I feel for you. I have some health problems (some worse than others) and the days I can go I go and go hard. I find myself wanting to lately hide from the world and run away from life. I am so tired of questions and advice and trying to explain things. I sometimes just want to be and not asked how are and hear comments of my health from people.

    Hugs and a lot of love being sent your way.

    • *hugs to you Tami* For myself, when I’m in the thick of the health issues I don’t want all the questions (and sometimes even concern). I don’t want to talk about it or share it. When I’m well I want to scream it from the rooftops about how bad it was and how it isn’t now. I’ve learned that sometimes I just need to get it out when I’m in the middle of it not just so others realize they aren’t alone, but to show that as positive as I am for the most part, I am real.

  2. Hi hun… 😦 It breaks my heart to read this. I feel your devastation, and I really wish I could be there to come give you a hug and bring you some dairy free ice cream. No woman wants to be given that type of news. Ever. Do you think this might be something you’d consider getting a second opinion on?

    You are on my heart. Lots and lots of love to you today.

    • Thanks, Megan. Dairy-free ice cream would hit the spot right now. I don’t think a second opinion is really needed. I read all about this before I met with her, she was just confirming it. It doesn’t mean it WILL happen. It just means the chances of it happening go up and I tend to think worst possible case scenario so when it doesn’t happen, I’m pleasantly surprised. She said there are ways to put the right things in place before getting pregnant to monitor more closely, which is why she wants to talk before we try.


    • It is a hard one, Cheryl. And a deeply personal one, which is why I get so irritated sometimes. A good friend from back home asked me recently when he came through town. Luckily, he’s a close friend and wasn’t offended by my eyes rolling. I’m just glad to know I’m not the only one who struggles with it.


  3. I’m right with you, Debi. I’m at that age where people are starting to think it’s time (myself included). Someone even bluntly said to me recently, “You’re 30 huh? You better have kids fast. Time is running out.” I wanted to kick him. But my health problems coupled with lack of health care and financial struggles make it really hard to believe it will happen. But like you, I have faith that everything will work out as it’s supposed to. I dream a lot about a baby girl, and I feel like she’s destined to be born because she’s appeared so often. At least I hope…

    • Back in college I had a vision of a little girl with long dark curly hair trying to help her daddy (also with long dark curly hair) do dishes. That was my first realization that I really did want to have kids. Of course I don’t have a husband with dark curly hair nor will I have a girl with long dark curly hair (maybe just long and dark), but there is that hope that she or the boy I saw last year will one day exist.

      *hugs* Love you, Iris!

    • Thanks, Andrea. 😀 I’m just glad I have so many blogger friends to support me on top of my other friends and family. It makes it a little easier when a set of your support group truly understands.

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  6. I’m so sorry! You two would be GREAT parents! I had to have an endometrial ablation back in ’97, so I can’t have children either, so I feel that pain of not being able to have children. That’s why I have the 4-legged ones! But it pulls at my heart so much to see babies and knowing that I can never have one of my very own. My nephews are like my adopted boys.

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