All Is Not As It Appears

Cousins - a pair of my nieces and nephews.

Cousins – a pair of my nieces and nephews.

Most days I don’t look as sick as I feel. It’s not a tummy hurting sick or a feverish sick. It’s the who-stole-all-my-energy-turned-me-into-a-slug-and-turned-on-the-fog-machine-sick.

Some days I do have the energy and I’m so torn with what to do because I have a backlog of projects that need to be done and I spend more time trying to figure out how to prioritize them. Then, I lose motivation as I start. I’m just not into it. Even reading takes an effort and I can’t sustain it for long.

I’m not great at pretending everything is okay. At least not lately. I’m calling a spade, a spade. It’s not a diamond or a heart now matter how much I might want it to be.

This sucks.

There. I said it.

I met with a rheumatologist on Monday to discuss my Sj√∂gren’s symptoms and how to move forward. She was wonderful in assuring me that only about 10% of patients ever progress to the point that it affects their internal organs and that even less develop lymphatic cancer. Definitely worries I had.

Then she slammed me with, “We need to talk before you try to have kids.”

I have the anti-Ro (SSA) and anti-La (SSB) antibodies. This means if I get pregnant, the chances of passing the antibodies through the placenta increase and can cause complications in the fetus. Including congenital heart block.

If I wasn’t freaked out reading about it before, I’m now a complete internal mess. My chances of having a miscarriage already high due to my autoimmune disorders and now I know I have the magical combo that could wreak havoc with any developing fetus I may carry.

In my head I know it will be okay, that things will work out. But it doesn’t stop the feelings.

“Why don’t you have kids?” is the dreaded question I hear often. I hate that question with a passion. Sometimes I want to scream, “It’s none of your fucking business!” But I don’t no matter how true it is. I was raised better.

Just because we don’t have them or haven’t tried doesn’t mean I don’t feel that damn biological clock ticking. I began to loathe seeing my former gynecologist every year. It always turned into a reminder that I was yet another year older and childless. “You’re not getting any younger,” he would always tell me. Not because he was rude, but because he was concerned. I was a nervous wreck for weeks before my appointment and I would make sure to take the rest of the day off work after my appointment.

There were many factors involved in our decision to not have kids soon after we married. My health was a major factor. I was on medications I couldn’t be on while pregnant. My purse was like a walking pharmacy at times. I feel like I was undergoing some kind of testing every year.

I hoped when I left my job in December that we could start trying once my body recovered from adrenal fatigue. If you’ve kept up with what is going on in my life, you know that is not the case.

I know there are other options if we really want kids. I know this.

But, this is how I feel right now.

Something just out of my reach was snatched away never to be seen again.