Of All The Things I’ve Lost

I’ve struggled all day with being able to focus and stay focused.  This is not something I’m used to.  Even after struggling with this symptom of hypothyroidism for over a year.  I’m 38.  So, for nearly 37 years I had this brain working like a fine tuned machine.  One of my former co-workers commented on my memory being like a filing cabinet.  Co-workers would ask me for information and normally I could pull it out of one of the file drawers hidden in my gray matter.

Now files are missing, don’t make it in there, or are indecipherable.  Add to that the difficulty focusing, which I never had a problem with before.  If I’m at work, I have to force myself to pay attention if I detect my ability to focus isn’t what it should be.  It doesn’t help that I’m a multi-tasker either.  I’m accustomed to doing several things at one time in order to get things done.  When I can’t focus, I can’t multi-task.  I have to stick to one task until it is done and it drives me nuts.  If I try to multi-task, I end up forgetting what I was doing.  Nothing like being at work, sitting at your desk, not remembering what you were just doing.  I’m not talking about when I switch tasks.  I’m talking about what I was doing in that moment.

We joke when we get older about having “Old-timers” or “senior moments.”  Sometimes I feel like I’m getting a real glimpse of what it’s like for people who genuinely have ADD and people with Alzheimer’s.  Try teaching a room full of people while you can’t focus or remember things.  Scary for me as the teacher.  I can’t even imagine what it’s like for the people in the room when I have a “moment.”

Then add to all that, mixing up words.  I’ll type one word when I mean another.  Not homonyms.  That happens too.  I might mean to type cook and I type call.  Then there are moments I’m trying to think of a word that I know and I can’t think of it.  And I know I know it.  It’s a word I’ve used many times before.  As a writer, it leaves me feeling stupid.  If I’m talking to someone, it can be downright embarrassing.  I’ve  switched numbers around and gotten lost in buildings because of it.

It probably hasn’t helped that I may have overloaded on information today in an effort to work on cleaning out my inbox for my work email.  If you have me on Facebook, all the links I shared were a product of that.  Well, all but the one I shared from my BFF.  I’d share them all with you, but then I’d distract myself right now, lose total focus and then be late deejaying tonight.  I’ll share tomorrow.

Yes, I miss my mind the most.

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