Battling Emotions

I am sitting here trying to rehydrate after a 13 minute interval training session on the elliptical machine in our complex’s exercise room.  I’m liking this feeling I get after interval training.  I don’t “exercise” for long periods of time that leave me feeling drained.  Instead I’m done while I’m still on that endorphin high.  I warmed up for 5 minutes at 6.4 mph.  I ramped it up to 8.8 mph for 1 minute and then took it back to 6.4 mph for a minute.  I repeated that until I had done the 8.8 mph 3 times, then cooled down at 5.4 mph.  I probably should have cooled down for 5 minutes, but I felt like if I did more, I’d pay for it later.  Besides, 13 is my favorite number.

If you remember me talking about triggers for eating and snacking, you’ll remember I said one of my triggers was emotions.  Emotional eater.  Yup.  That’s me.  Or was me.  Well that me decided to rear its ugly head last night.  I was quite stressed and worried about a friend of mine last night.  When I talked to my husband about it he told me it sounded like I was really frustrated and that I needed to take a step back.  Hell yes I was frustrated!  I’m not going to discuss the details of my stress, frustration, and worry.  I’ll just say I’m in fear for his safety and leave it at that.  I knew it would be difficult still being so emotional right before bed.  So I took longer to get ready for bed.  Put more thought into what I was doing.  Almost like meditation on my actions as I was going through them.  I climbed into bed with The Book Thief and I prayed fervently for my friend before I started reading.  This praying led me to some pretty heavy crying.  I figured that would help me wind down some at least.  Once I was calm again, I read a few chapters and turned out the light.  Then a funny thing happened.  Sometimes my mind will start racing with thoughts of what is bothering me when I try to go to bed.  This time my mind was racing with thoughts of my grocery list for the week, my to do list for the day at work, and other trivial things.  Nothing that was bothering me.

Then it hit.  The grumbling stomach.  I fought with my stomach until all of a sudden, I wanted a big juicy burger and greasy french fries to comfort me.  I kept fighting with that emotional craving while my head was still full of those trivial things.  After an hour and a half of battling my stomach and my brain, I got out of bed.  I worked on my shopping list and logged into Second Life.  Wound up talking with a friend for a while and got my mind off all of it.  Until she showed me this video: Oddly, I want to go to McDonald’s to 1) do the same experiment and 2) indulge in some comfort food all at the same time.  Pretty sad, huh?  I was pretty disgusted with myself that after seeing the visuals, I still wanted it.  I was in an emotional state!  Once I accepted that, I felt better.  Then she showed me this one: which is more about sugar.  Now, this woman in the videos, I don’t agree with everything she says, but I think her visuals pretty much hit the nail on the head with what I’ve tried to convey through this blog.

I eventually felt worn down after 4am and went back to bed without a problem. I woke up at 8:30am, realizing I forgot to set my alarm.  My brain was still in emotional eating mode, though.  I gave myself two choices.  Fix breakfast as usual or pick something up on the way to work.  I pushed through and fixed breakfast.  Good for me!  Had my juiced fruits and veggies, eggs with mushrooms and veggies and half of a sprouted grain bagel.  By the time I got to work I wasn’t feeling tired at all.

Noon hits and I’m dragging.  Eat your lunch, I tell myself…and I always listen to what I tell myself to do.  I was still craving that pesky burger though.  Don’t do it.  Your lunch is in the fridge.  Go heat it up. Okay.

I’m fine after eating.  2pm hits and I’m not just craving chocolate, I need it.  I don’t have a stash in my desk, so I went to our snack room to look.  The only thing was 100 calorie pack Keebler cookies…chocolate chip I think.  The thought of the refined flour was enough to make me walk back to my office empty-handed.  I sat down, but that need was still there.  That’s when I knew this was a big emotional eating fight I was having with myself.  Since giving up all the crap, the only chocolate I really have is at least 70% dark chocolate (full of polyphenols and phytonutrients that our body needs).  Just a little now and then, not on a daily basis.

Once I got home, I went to the kitchen to put my lunch and water stuff on the counter and grabbed the Tupperware of the healthy brownies I made a few weeks ago.  I broke off a  piece and ate it.  Fight over.

For now.  I’d still like a burger, but not as bad as last night.


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